After a 3 match season (W1 D1 L1) there was a healthy and convivial turnout last night for the Annual Arkadin Dinner 2015, which was a somewhat truncated affair, due largely to the many distractions that befell our captain this year, such as almost falling down dead.
As such, there were no speeches or awards or quizzes this time – and in the end, very little bossy behaviour from the skipper at all, but instead a very convivial and informal evening in the Red Room at Jamies in St-Mary-at-Hill – a private function for tired thirsty Arkadians, old and new.
In batting order (and ‘how out’):
- Joe Cotterell (RHB, LB, WK) Mythical Arkadian, dismissed cheaply by some dodgy Aussie Shiraz Danny Buttleman bought, instead of his usual Moulin-a-Vent vieilles vignes.
- Sam Taylor (RHB, OB) Beard to give Moeen Ali a run for his money and better hair. Played all round a straight one (by talking his yard cricket career up so much he’ll be opening for us in June).
- Jonny Lee (RHB, RM) Highest Arkadin run-scorer ever. Came in fuming about Seb Coe and never received satisfaction. Six and out (for a cigarette).
- Tom Rischbieth (LHB, OB) Much less frenetic than his cousin. The most erudite professional Australian Rules player ever. Stumped (by the concept of a Jonny Wilkinson tribute film).
- Richard “Creepy” Crowley (RHB, RM) Always comes to the drinks. The rims of his glasses get thicker and blacker every year. Bowled (over by Joe’s stories about Danny once Danny had left).
- Danny Buttleman (RHB) Life and soul of the party. Run out (for a cigarette).
- Chris Olsen (RFM, RHB) Didn’t enjoy seeing himself on screen. Caught (drinking the beer bucket dry while everyone else was watching the film).
- Mark Price (RFM, RHB) Timed out by the umpires, having arrived at 9pm already pissed. At least I hope he was.
- Ed Rogers (RHB) Wore a T-shirt, because he knows the unwritten rule that the more successful you are, the worse you dress. Snicked off (for a cigarette).
- Alan Synnott (RHB, OB) formed a partnership with Allen as usual (at the back discussing Irish rugby for longer than is strictly necessary). Not out.
- Jason Cameron (RHB, LB) Eurosport commentator on AFL (niche-tastic equivalent of covering Crown Green Bowls on Dave). Batted with broken foot as he had in May, and fell on his stumps.
- Twelfth Man: Nick Pontt (RHB, RF) Single-handedly responsible for the introduction of the word Ballbag into the new edition of the Oxford English Dictionary, with a full cover illustration of him.
Umpire: Julien Allen – finally doing what I was meant to do. Wisely chose an event involving copious drinking and eating of carb-heavy unhealthy food despite cardiac condition. Tried to get out of the way of the ball while sitting on a shooting stick and broke everything.
The one record of the season came in the form of a four minute “film” of this year’s Clayesmore match report, read by a real actor (Anthony Head), thus making it sound much better than it actually is. The rest was cobbled together by archive footage and general nonsense. Apologies for the technical difficulty on some of the video. They say a bad workman blames his tools – well I’m a bad workman and as it happens my tools are shit too.
To protect Pontt’s reputation (and those of you with little children who are better at computers than you are), you need a password to access this film and the password is ElephantDiver
A very happy Christmas to all and here’s to another brilliant season next year.